by alichava | Feb 22, 2026 | Electronics, Parenting, Software & Apps
There isn’t one right way to parent around technology.
Every family brings a different background, comfort level, and set of assumptions. Some parents grew up largely offline. Others — like me — have been online since childhood.
I was programming in BASIC by kindergarten. I spent time on bulletin boards and AOL chat rooms before most adults understood what those spaces were. We were curious, unsupervised in many ways, and unaware of risks that feel obvious now.
And yet, the internet also brought real good into our lives. Many of my friends met their spouses by talking to strangers online — on JDate, on “I Saw You at Sinai,” in spaces that once felt new and risky and are now entirely ordinary.
Technology is not inherently dangerous. It is powerful.
And power requires literacy.
We Don’t Take Away. We Teach.
My philosophy has never been to eliminate technology, but to use it as an opportunity to teach and model usage.
What we did with our oldest isn’t exactly what we are doing with our youngest. We have learned. We have adjusted. And I am not going to prescribe a “right age” for devices — because context matters: maturity, school environment, personality, peer culture, family structure.
What matters more than age is behavior.
And behavior is taught.
It is also modeled.
Phones are not the only issue. Tablets, gaming consoles, school-issued laptops, shared home devices — all of them shape habits. Digital citizenship is not a phone conversation. It’s a household culture.
The Structures We’ve Put in Place
None of these are perfect. All of them evolve. We adjust and re-evaluate constantly. What works for one kid, isn’t going to work for the other. We parent our kids differently on purpose because they all have different needs.
1. Shabbat as a Weekly Digital Detox
For 25 hours, there are no phones, tablets, TVs, or devices.
It’s not framed as deprivation. It’s a rhythm. A reminder that we are capable of being fully present without constant connection.
2. Dinner Is (Mostly) Phone-Free
For the most part, dinner is protected time.
Occasionally my job requires me to step away — when something is happening in the world that cannot wait. But when that happens, I verbalize what I am doing. Transparency matters. Modeling matters.
The goal is focus on one another.
One small practice we’ve adopted is vocalizing intention. If I need to reach for my phone at dinner because something work-related truly cannot wait, I say so. “I’m responding to X. I’ll be right back.” Naming the purpose changes the posture. It turns a reflex into a decision. It also teaches our children that device use should be intentional, not ambient.
3. Screen Time Has Limits — and Context
We limit TV time. We use screen limits. We review them regularly and adjust as needed.
We are more disciplined with our younger children than we were with our older ones. Snow days look different than school days. Family movie night is intentional — right now we’re somewhere between Doctor Who and The Librarians.
Technology isn’t the enemy. Unbounded consumption is.
We’ve learned that not all screen time functions the same way. Some digital activities are inherently open-ended and stimulating, while others are more bounded and task-oriented. Ari’s piece on “Choice and No-Choice Activities” articulates this distinction well — the idea that certain activities require stronger scaffolding because they rely heavily on internal regulation.
4. Before You Press Send
Before sending a message, posting something, or sharing an image, our children are asked one question:
Would you be comfortable showing this to someone you deeply respect?
That framing shifts behavior more effectively than rules.
5. Password Transparency
We keep copies of our children’s passwords.
Not to hover. Not to spy. But to reinforce that digital accounts are not fully private spaces at young ages. There is an understanding that we can check in if needed.
Trust and accountability coexist.
6. Devices and Bedrooms
No devices when changing. We try to limit devices in bedrooms generally, though reading Kindles are allowed.
Phones are docked during homework when possible. And about 30 minutes before bedtime, reminders (thank you, Alexa) prompt phones to be docked for the night.
We’ve also learned that technology can support executive functioning when used intentionally. Tools like voice reminders, shared calendars, and structured prompts can reduce friction and support follow-through. Ari writes “Alexa, Help Me With My Executive Functioning.”
7. Active Oversight
Our kids check with us before installing new apps so we can review them. That doesn’t eliminate risk — they can still access sites independently, including on school devices — but it creates conversation.
Some families block websites at the router level. Some carriers, including Verizon, offer family management tools. iPhones have built-in family protections (though approving purchases from a dead iPad can be its own frustration).
Tools help. They don’t replace teaching.
The Incident That Reminded Us Why This Matters
Recently, one of my children came across a site called Human or Not — a game built around interacting with an AI system and guessing whether responses are human.
On its surface, it feels harmless. It’s framed as a puzzle. A curiosity. A way to test perception.
But experiences like this are a useful reminder that many digital spaces — especially those involving AI or anonymous interaction — operate on layers that aren’t visible to the user.
Even when something feels like a game, it may still involve:
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Data collection
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Stored conversations
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Behavioral tracking
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Unknown audiences
And often, those mechanics are invisible to children.
When a site is accessible — particularly on school-issued devices — it’s easy for young users to assume that access implies safety or endorsement. But accessibility and safety are not the same thing.
Digital literacy has to include understanding the invisible architecture behind the screen. Part of the challenge is that digital access now often outpaces developmental readiness. Ari writes thoughtfully about this tension in “Digital Access Outpaces Childhood Development,” noting that children are navigating environments designed for engagement long before they have the cognitive scaffolding to evaluate risk, permanence, or manipulation.
It must include:
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Understanding anonymity
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Recognizing data permanence
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Questioning who is collecting information
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Knowing when not to share
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And perhaps most importantly — knowing how to pause before engaging
The goal isn’t suspicion. It’s awareness.
Because today’s digital environments are layered, dynamic, and often monetized in ways that are not obvious at first glance. Teaching children to navigate them responsibly requires more than installing filters. It requires helping them understand how these systems actually work.
Addictive Patterns Are Not Just a Teen Problem
We cannot talk about digital citizenship without acknowledging that adults struggle too.
Research increasingly links excessive smartphone use to decreased focus and cognitive strain. Many adults express a desire to reduce screen time, yet systems and habits keep pulling us back in.
If we are constantly reaching for our devices, multitasking conversations, or scrolling during downtime, our children notice.
Modeling matters more than enforcement.
What We’re Still Working On
We are working on:
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Docking phones consistently during homework
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Strengthening conversations about time spent, not just limits set
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Revisiting rules as children mature
What worked at 13 does not work at 17. What worked for one child may not work for another.
Parenting in the digital age is iterative.
The Goal
The goal is not to create children who fear technology.
It is to raise young adults who understand:
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That technology is powerful
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That attention is limited
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That privacy is not intuitive
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That boundaries are learned
Digital citizenship is not about banning devices. It is about forming habits strong enough to carry into independence.
We cannot remove risk entirely.
But we can teach discernment.
And that may be the most durable protection of all.
by alichava | Jan 20, 2026 | Organizing & Cleaning, Parenting
The start of a new year often brings an urge to reset. New plans, new structures, new intentions meant to carry us forward.
But meaningful resets rarely happen because the calendar changes. They happen when a chapter closes.
Our household reached one of those moments last week when our senior finished school. Over the past year, our daily systems quietly adjusted around that reality. Morning routines shifted. Carpools reconfigured themselves. Extra time appeared where it was most needed.
Those adjustments weren’t written down. They worked because everyone involved understood their role.
Now that the household has changed again, those systems no longer fit. What once created ease now needs to be rethought. The work ahead isn’t dramatic. It’s practical: noticing what has changed, naming what no longer applies, and redesigning routines so the household can function smoothly again.
This kind of reset is familiar in organizations as well. Teams adapt around people, roles, and constraints. Temporary workarounds become permanent. Informal systems carry real weight. When the context shifts, those systems either evolve — or begin to create friction.
January is a natural time to do this work, not because it demands reinvention, but because it offers a pause. A chance to ask:
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What systems were built for a situation that no longer exists?
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Where are we relying on arrangements that assumed a different set of people or capacities?
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What needs to be clarified now that circumstances have changed?
In households, this may mean redistributing responsibilities that were once absorbed quietly. In organizations, it often means revisiting processes that only worked because someone was compensating for them.
The goal of a reset isn’t efficiency for its own sake. It’s alignment. Systems should reflect current reality, not past convenience.
When routines are redesigned with intention, they stop requiring constant adjustment. They allow people — whether family members or colleagues — to step into their roles with clarity.
The best resets don’t announce themselves. They show up in smoother mornings, fewer reminders, and a renewed sense that the structure matches the life it’s meant to support.
That’s the work worth doing when a chapter ends — and another begins.
by alichava | Jan 15, 2026 | Parenting, Software & Apps, Tools
Yesterday was a reminder of how fragile some of our most relied-upon systems actually are.
A service outage meant text messages didn’t reliably come through. In practical terms, two-factor authentication codes never arrived. Accounts couldn’t be accessed. Work stalled — not because credentials were wrong, but because the delivery mechanism failed.
In theory, two-factor authentication increases security. In practice, when it depends on a single device and a single channel, it can introduce a different kind of vulnerability.
I use authenticator apps for many accounts. I also sometimes rely on text-based codes because they are quick and widely supported. But as anyone who uses internet-based phone numbers or travels internationally knows, SMS-based authentication isn’t always dependable — especially when services are disrupted or numbers don’t behave like traditional mobile lines.
What struck me most wasn’t just the inconvenience. It was the way the system forced a context switch.
Regaining access usually requires reaching for a phone, which immediately reintroduces notifications, messages, and ambient noise — even on days when active use is minimal. During yesterday’s outage, that reliance became more apparent. The device was checked repeatedly for codes that never arrived, while its battery continued to drain, highlighting how much background activity persists even without meaningful engagement.
There is growing research showing that mobile phone use fragments attention and increases cognitive load, particularly when interruptions are frequent and unplanned. The cost isn’t just momentary distraction; it’s the gradual erosion of sustained focus over time.
This is the deeper tension I keep coming back to.
We design security systems that assume constant device availability. At the same time, many of us are actively trying to be more intentional about how and when we use those devices — for focus, for presence, and for the ability to stay on task. The result is a system that protects accounts while quietly undermining attention.
This tension becomes even more pronounced for students and young adults.
College students studying abroad often lose access to U.S.-based phone numbers. Text-based authentication fails. Backup methods haven’t been configured. Account recovery becomes complicated precisely when independence is supposed to increase. What feels like a minor oversight at home turns into a significant barrier elsewhere.
At the same time, there is a growing movement toward more mindful and intentional phone use, not through bans, but through structure. Approaches that emphasize boundaries, awareness, and deliberate engagement — rather than constant availability — are increasingly recognized as sustainable ways to reduce habitual distraction. This broader conversation is grounded in data. Surveys indicate that Americans now spend more than five hours per day on their phones, and many express a desire to cut back on usage. Research also suggests that excessive smartphone use can disrupt memory and reduce focus, particularly when use becomes habitual rather than intentional. Among students and young adults, recent evidence links heavy smartphone use to both cognitive and psychosocial effects, underscoring how closely attention, emotional regulation, and technology use are intertwined.
A few years ago, we made a modest household decision: phones don’t belong at the dinner table.
It wasn’t about discipline or nostalgia. It was about protecting a narrow window of shared presence — time that didn’t need to be optimized, documented, or interrupted. That decision has held, even as work has changed. Even in environments that occasionally require rapid response, it’s usually possible to step away briefly. The result isn’t perfection. It’s intention.
When we need to plan — meals, schedules, logistics — we often start with tools that feel almost like we are still in last century: paper, a whiteboard, a pen. These tools do something deceptively powerful. They hold complexity without competing for attention. They allow multiple people to see, contribute, and adjust without pulling anyone into a private digital space. Only later do we translate that thinking into digital systems.
In Jewish tradition, intention matters. Kavanah is not only about what we do, but about how we structure the conditions that make meaningful action possible. Boundaries around time, space, and tools are not limitations; they are enablers. Paper planning at a table is not a rejection of technology. It is a way of saying: this moment deserves a different kind of container.
I’ve been thinking a lot about approaches that don’t involve banning devices, but contextualizing them:
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Verbalizing intention before picking up a phone (“I’m using this for one task.”)
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Setting aside regular device-free time — something Jewish life already models well with Shabbat.
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Using and actually honoring app time limits, especially for platforms designed to pull attention sideways.
From a systems perspective, this matters.
Protective mechanisms are not neutral. They shape behavior. They pull people across devices. They interrupt concentration. And they assume levels of infrastructure stability that don’t always exist, especially across borders, carriers, and time zones.
This isn’t an argument against two-factor authentication. It’s an argument for designing it with redundancy, context, and human behavior in mind — particularly for families and organizations preparing young adults for independence.
That reality became especially clear as our school reminded families that many seniors will be abroad over the next several months. College applications that rely on text-based two-factor authentication tied to U.S. phone numbers can create unexpected barriers, not only to receiving acceptances, but also to accessing critical financial aid and scholarship information at a pivotal moment in the decision-making process.
Security should protect access.
Security should protect access.
Good design should protect attention.
As phones increasingly function as authentication tools, communication devices, and attention hubs, the way we design security systems has consequences well beyond cybersecurity. We don’t need to choose between security and presence — but we do need to acknowledge the tradeoffs when we ignore how systems actually get used.
by alichava | Jan 13, 2026 | Cancer, Parenting
January has always carried a certain weight. A new calendar year brings reflection almost by default — a pause long enough to notice what has changed and what has endured.
This January feels more bittersweet than most.
It marks another year of clean bills of health following a January 2019 breast cancer diagnosis. The milestone is real, but understated. What it signifies most is not triumph, but continuity. Time has continued. Plans still extend forward. Life has retained its ordinary shape.
At the same time, we are reaching a turning point as parents. Our oldest is finishing high school this week.
Taken together, these moments have reframed what reflection looks like right now. Less about revisiting the past, and more about preparing for what comes next.
When children are young, parenting often centers on values and protection. As they approach independence, the focus narrows to something far more concrete: competence. Values still matter, of course. But they are carried forward through practice far more than through instruction. The unglamorous, necessary skills that allow life to function when familiar structures fall away.
How to make dinner.
How to pick up a prescription.
How to read and reconcile an account balance.
How to use money thoughtfully rather than impulsively.
How to track responsibilities, documents, and obligations — especially when living or traveling abroad.
These are not skills taught in a single lesson. They are absorbed through participation in systems: watching how things are handled, being invited into responsibility gradually, and learning that small oversights compound over time.
What we often call “adulting” is less about age than about infrastructure. Independence depends not on confidence alone, but on having reliable ways to orient oneself, financial, logistical, and organizational, when external guardrails disappear.
Survivorship has quietly influenced how I think about this handoff. When time continues, urgency fades, and clarity replaces it. The question becomes not “what if,” but “what needs to be solid before the next stage begins?”
January doesn’t demand reinvention here. It invites refinement. Strengthening the systems that will travel with our children when they leave home. Making sure responsibility feels familiar rather than performative.
Bittersweet moments often signal that something is ending. This one feels more like confirmation: that time is moving forward, and with it, the work of letting go, thoughtfully, deliberately, and with care.
by alichava | Aug 11, 2021 | Books, Deals, Parenting
It’s a new book from my husband.
You can read it free with a kindle unlimited plan.
Parenting shouldn’t be seen as an act of survival. Yet, for most of us, we sometimes feel like we are barely getting by as parents. We’re overwhelmed by school requirements, conflicting kid appointments, and the unplanned for meltdown. We tend to fall into the same patterns of behavior without really taking time to think things through or even allow ourselves a glimmer of hope for a more peaceful parenting experience.
The business world has long since learned about the power of innovation. Using strategies such as design thinking, which was championed by IDEO, businesses have learned to explore, observe, and experiment in order to solve seemingly intractable problems. And let’s face it, a four-year old having a tantrum on the floor of a supermarket is a pretty intractable problem.
Using the tools of innovation and design thinking, Dr. Ari Yares encourages parents to move to an innovative parenting style. This unique approach to parenting is more than just trying to solve a single problem. It’s an approach and an attitude that gives you permission as a parent to fail forward, knowing that this failure will make you a better, more innovative parent.
by alichava | Aug 10, 2021 | Amazon, Deals, Organizing & Cleaning, Parenting, School Supply, Sukkot
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