by alichava | Aug 13, 2026 | Simcha
We are now preparing for our third b’nai mitzvah, with one more still a couple of years away.
There are plenty of logistical things that come with that. Invitations. Food. Guests. Clothing. Schedules. All the things that somehow need to come together for one weekend.
But those aren’t really where we start.
For each of our children, we have come back to three things:
Leyn. Limmud. Hesed.
Leyn: reading a piece of Jewish text publicly.
Limmud: learning.
Hesed: contributing through an act of loving kindness.
The framework has stayed the same.
What I’ve learned is that the way each child moves through it shouldn’t.
A Framework Is Just a Guide
I love learning.
I continued with LA Hebrew High School long after regular Hebrew school. I spent a gap year in Israel. I studied at the Jewish Theological Seminary, where I double majored in Talmud and Midrash. And I kept seeking out opportunities for advanced Jewish learning afterward.
Learning is something I have always wanted to do.
But raising four children has been a very good reminder that the things I love are not necessarily the things they love, and even when we share an interest, we may approach it completely differently.
A framework gives us somewhere to begin. It doesn’t tell us exactly where each child needs to go.
For one child, halacha may be fascinating. Another may connect much more deeply with aggadah, stories and ideas. One may want to read a tremendous amount. Another may be much more interested in sitting with someone and asking questions.
The goal isn’t to create four versions of the same b’nai mitzvah experience.
It’s to give each child enough structure to find something within it that belongs to them.
Child #1: Megillah
Our oldest daughter’s bat mitzvah was during the pandemic.
She studied Mishna Megillah and then moved into the Gemara. Teaching her the Mishna and then the Gemara was special because this was really the first text I learned fully.
For her hesed project, she made mishloah manot for Bikkur Cholim of Greater Washington.
And then she read all 10 chapters of Megillat Esther.
During COVID.
There were plenty of things about that bat mitzvah that weren’t what we originally imagined. But when I think back on it, what I remember most isn’t what we couldn’t do.
I remember what she did. And she was fantastic.
Child #2: Finding a Different Kind of Learning
Our second daughter’s bat mitzvah came toward the tail end of the pandemic and was connected to Sukkot.
She read Kohelet.
We started by learning Mishna Sukkah. But she wasn’t particularly interested in continuing into the Gemara.
So we didn’t.
Instead, she studied Pirkei Avot and then Avot D’Rabbi Natan.
That change was important for me.
The point wasn’t to recreate her sister’s learning program with a different tractate. The point was for her to learn soemthing that would resonate with her. Sukkah wasn’t going to have enough philosophy or aggadah. So I pivoted with her to something that many kids would not study, but something I loved. I also taught bits of Avot D’Rabbi Natan when I was a 7th grade Talmud teacher while I was in grad school. So many fascinating stories.
And that meant paying attention to what kind of learning actually interested her.
Her hesed project was also very much hers.
Her bat mitzvah fell during Breast Cancer Awareness Month. She loves baking and is very good at it, so she made apple butter and pink challot and sold them to raise money for Sharsheret.
I’m not generally drawn to hesed projects that are primarily fundraising or collection drives. I usually want the kids to have some kind of tangible experience of doing something.
But this was different.
The baking itself was tangible. She was using something she was good at, developing a skill and turning it into something she could contribute.
And Sharsheret was personal for our family.
During my cancer treatment, Sharsheret was incredibly helpful in connecting me with other people going through similar experiences. My cancer was HER2-positive and ER/PR-negative, which is less common, and when you’re trying to make decisions about treatment and what comes next, having people who understand the particular questions you’re asking matters.
So her project connected something she loved doing with an organization that had mattered to our family.
That made sense for her.
Child #3: Learning From Everyone
Now we’re preparing for our son’s bar mitzvah.
And once again, the framework looks different.
He’s doing less reading than his sisters did. The learning is what has really captured him.
And his limmud has become something I didn’t anticipate when we first started doing this with our oldest.
He’s learning with lots of different people.
Ari is finishing Daf Yomi in January for his 50th birthday, and he began learning Berakhot with him.
Our son has learned with one of our rabbis. He has learned with close family friends. He has learned with other kids in the community. He has learned with his oldest sister.
He’s working toward completing Seder Moed, but I’m increasingly interested in how he’s learning it.
Jewish learning doesn’t only happen between a child and an assigned teacher.
It can happen with parents and grandparents. Rabbis and teachers. Friends. Teenagers. Other children. People who know a tremendous amount and people who simply have something they are excited to learn together.
There is something beautiful about entering Jewish adulthood having already experienced Torah as something you learn with a community.
His hesed project is taking a similar path.
He decided that he wanted to contribute to ASIRT, and part of what drew him to the organization was the opportunity to connect the project with a beloved teacher.
Our hope is that this becomes something meaningful enough that it doesn’t end when the bar mitzvah does.
And Then There Is the Date
His bar mitzvah weekend also carries a connection that he couldn’t possibly have planned.
It falls on the weekend my father would have turned 85.
My father died 18 years ago.
He never had a bar mitzvah.
The first time he was called to the Torah was at my brother’s bar mitzvah in May 1996, when my father was 54 years old.
Thirty years later, our son will be called to the Torah for the same parsha.
Naso.
It also happens to be the parsha I read at my own bat mitzvah. The one my brother read at his bar mitzvah. And the one I read during the weekend of our aufruf.
Naso is also the longest single parsha in the Torah, because apparently our family doesn’t do anything simply.
There are traditions we intentionally create.
And then there are connections that reveal themselves along the way.
This one feels particularly special.
Four Kids, One Framework, Four Different Experiences
We still have one more bat mitzvah ahead of us in about two and a half years.
I have no idea yet what hers will end up looking like.
And that’s really the point.
I don’t think there is one right way to do any of this.
Even within our own family, I’m not interested in saying, “This worked for Child #1, so this is our system.”
The system isn’t the experience.
The framework gives us somewhere to start.
Leyn. Limmud. Hesed.
What those words mean in practice depends on the child standing in front of us.
Over the next few months, I’m going to share more about how we’re approaching this third b’nai mitzvah, including some of the planning systems I’ve been building, the things we’ve learned from the first two, the things we’re doing differently and probably some things we’ll discover we got completely wrong.
Because after doing this a few times, I have plenty of ideas.
I definitely don’t have all the answers. I am learning from my community, from my friends, and from the people in the active bnai mitzvah facebook groups that share so many great ideas.
by alichava | Mar 22, 2026 | Jewish Holidays, Kitchen, Kosher, Menu Plan, Parenting, Passover
Passover preparation is always a lot.
Shopping, kashering, cooking — and trying to fit all of it into an already full schedule. In past years, I’ve managed it, but not always in a way that felt organized.
This year, I’m trying to approach it more intentionally. Not by doing less — just by thinking more carefully about how everything fits together.
Start With a Central Plan
Before buying anything, I’ve been focusing on getting everything into one place.
Ari put together a Passover Command Center, which has been a helpful starting point.
It creates one place to track:
- What needs to be cleaned and kashered
- What needs to be purchased
- What needs to be cooked
We’ve also been using OneNote to keep our recipes organized, but hoping to replace it with this new system.
That alone makes the process feel more manageable.
Breaking Shopping Into Categories
One of the biggest changes this year is separating shopping by where it makes the most sense to buy each type of item.
1. Amazon: Bulk and Repeat Items
Anything that is:
- Shelf-stable
- Predictable year to year
- Not brand-sensitive
goes into Amazon.
I’ve started a running list here:
👉 https://amzn.to/4d3NQSX
This includes:
- Subscribe and Save Items
- Past Purchases
- Things that look interesting
Goal: Reduce last-minute runs for basics.
2. Destination Shopping: Larger Stores
For us, that usually means:
- Stores with broader Passover inventory
This is where I focus on:
- Specialty items
- Better pricing on bulk
- Hard-to-find products
Goal: One focused trip with a clear list.
3. Local Stores: Fresh + Fill-In
Local shopping becomes:
- Fresh items
- Anything we didn’t find elsewhere
- Final additions
And yes, store-specific incentives still factor in (like buying $50 at Giant for the free box of matzah). They’re just part of the plan, not the whole plan.
Sequencing the Work
The biggest shift this year is being more deliberate about timing.
Instead of everything happening at once, we’re trying to separate the stages:
- Friday, March 27 – Shopping
- Saturday, March 28 – Kashering
- Sunday, March 29 – Begin cooking
Having defined days for each stage helps prevent everything from overlapping.
Recipes That Make the List Every Year
There are always new recipes, but a few consistently make it back into the rotation.
Other Standbys
Having a core set of recipes reduces decision fatigue and makes planning easier.
What I’m Still Refining
Even with a better structure, this is still a process.
- Making sure we buy what we actually need
- Spacing out cooking so it’s not all at the end
- Sticking to the plan once the week gets busy
It’s not perfect, but it already feels more organized than previous years.
Final Thoughts
Passover preparation doesn’t get smaller.
But it can feel more manageable.
For me, the shift this year is about creating a plan that supports the process.
by alichava | Mar 13, 2026 | Clothing, Shoes, & Accessories, Parenting
Finding a prom dress is stressful enough. Finding a modest prom dress that still feels age-appropriate can feel nearly impossible.
Our daughter attends a Jewish community day school, and the goal was clear: a dress that met her modesty expectations without looking matronly. I found some modest formal dresses along the way — but none of them worked. No “mother of the bride” energy. No heavy beading. No silhouettes that felt decades older than the wearer.
What we wanted was something that still felt like prom.
After a lot of searching, returns, and narrowed filters, we found several dresses that struck the right balance. I’m sharing them here because I know many other parents — especially in Jewish day schools, religious schools, and modest-fashion households — are searching for exactly the same thing.
Disclosure: Some links below are Amazon affiliate links. They don’t change the price you pay and help support this site. I only recommend dresses we actually considered or would buy.
What We Looked for in a Modest Prom Dress
Before listing dresses, it helps to name criteria. These were our non-negotiables — and having them in front of you makes filtering dramatically faster.
Coverage requirements:
- High or illusion neckline (no plunging V)
- Sleeves or structured shoulder coverage
- Floor-length or tea-length hemline
- No high slits
Style requirements:
- Modern silhouette — not boxy or shapeless
- Light, movement-friendly fabrics
- Age-appropriate colors and details
- Celebratory without being costume-y
This framing alone makes searching much easier. Enter it into Amazon, ASOS, or any formal wear retailer’s filters before scrolling through hundreds of options.
Styles That Actually Work for Modest Prom Dresses
1. Long-Sleeve or Flutter-Sleeve Gowns
Sleeves don’t have to feel formal or heavy. The key is fabric choice. Look for chiffon (soft, floaty, breathable for dancing), soft satin (structured enough to hold shape, not stiff), or organza overlays (adds drama and dimension without weight). These keep the look youthful while maintaining full coverage. Avoid velvet or heavy brocade, which tend to read older.
2. High-Neck A-Line Dresses
A-line silhouettes are forgiving and timeless. The flared skirt provides full coverage without needing a slit, and when paired with a high or jewel neckline, the look feels celebratory, not conservative. Look for a defined, fitted waist, soft pleating or gathering in the skirt, and movement — the test is whether it swishes when she walks.
3. Structured Bodice + Flowing Skirt
This combination keeps the dress from aging the wearer. The structured top provides support and coverage; the flowing skirt keeps it light and youthful. Avoid thick fabrics and excessive embellishment — those push it into formal-gala territory rather than prom.
4. Illusion Necklines and Sheer Overlays
Illusion mesh at the neckline or sleeve is a smart option — it creates the visual appearance of a higher neckline while the dress remains technically covered. Just confirm the lining is opaque and substantial before ordering.
Dresses We Found on Amazon
Amazon turned out to be a surprisingly strong source — but it required more returns. Order 2–3 options if you can, and return what doesn’t work. Most are eligible for Prime free returns.
Betsy & Adam Long Sleeve Gown with Jewel Neckline
The jewel neckline sits right at the collarbone — no gap, no plunge. The beaded sleeve detail keeps it feeling formal and current, and the ruched waist is flattering without being tight. This is the dress that looks like it belongs at prom, not at a mother-of-the-bride table.
What to check before ordering: Confirm the skirt has enough movement for dancing. Available in multiple colors; navy and black are the most versatile.
View on Amazon →
Ever Pretty Crewneck Long Lantern Sleeve Chiffon A-Line Gown
The crewneck gives full neckline coverage without looking stuffy. The lantern sleeves add a fashion-forward detail that keeps this reading elegant rather than conservative. Lightweight chiffon means it moves well on the dance floor. Fully lined.
What to check: Ever Pretty sizing can run small — order up one size and plan for a minor hem if needed. Available in a wide range of colors including dusty sage, burgundy, and navy.
View on Amazon →
Xscape 3/4 Sleeve Long Scuba Dress with Side Ruching
Xscape is a reliable brand that lands at the right price point for prom. The 3/4 sleeve satisfies most school modest dress codes without requiring full-length coverage. Scuba fabric holds its shape beautifully all night — no wrinkles, no drooping. The side ruching is flattering on most body types.
What to check: Scuba is a structured fabric — review the back-view photo for coverage. This style works best for teens who want a sleek, modern look rather than a flowy silhouette.
View on Amazon →
BARDOT Alix Maxi Tie Front Dress
BARDOT is known for elevated formalwear that doesn’t look like it came from a prom catalog. The Alix Maxi is a more editorial option — the tie front adds visual interest and a defined waist. Great for a teen who wants something fashion-forward rather than traditionally formal.
What to check: Check the neckline depth carefully in photos — the tie front can vary by color. Pairs best with a simple updo so the front detail is the focal point.
View on Amazon →
Pro tip for Amazon searches: Use “long sleeve formal gown modest,” “high neck prom dress floor length,” or “bridesmaid gown long sleeve” rather than just “modest prom dress” — the latter returns inconsistent results.
Where Else We Had the Most Success
- Department stores (Macy’s, Dillard’s, Bloomingdale’s) — Use the “sleeve” and “high neck” filters in the left sidebar of their eveningwear sections.
- Mac Duggal & Thread & Needle — Brands that design for formal occasions often have modest-friendly options that feel runway-current.
- ASOS — Huge selection, strong filter capability. Sort by “long sleeve” and “maxi length” simultaneously. Free returns make it lower risk.
- Lulus — Has a dedicated modest prom section. Styles tend to be more boho and flowy — great for non-traditional prom aesthetics.
- Jovani — Higher price point but known for construction quality. Steel boning and full linings standard.
- Amazon — More returns required, but the breadth of options is hard to beat. Order early enough to allow exchanges.
Fit Tips Before You Buy
- Size up and plan to tailor — especially for the bodice and sleeves. Alterations are standard for formal wear and usually not expensive.
- Check back closures carefully — some modest-looking gowns have open or low backs. Read the full product description and zoom in on back-view photos.
- Verify the slip/lining length — some floor-length gowns have lining that only goes to the knee. You may need a slip.
- Order early enough to return — budget 4–6 weeks to order, try on, and exchange if needed. Prom dress sizing runs inconsistently across brands.
- A modest dress on the hanger is not the same as on the body — fit matters. A dress that gapes or pulls will reveal more than intended regardless of neckline height.
What About Shoes and Accessories?
Since high necklines and long sleeves handle coverage, you have full freedom with shoes. Embellished heels, elegant flats, and block-heel sandals all work beautifully. For jewelry: statement earrings or rings shine when the neck is covered — skip the necklace and let the dress neckline be the focal point.
Final Thoughts
Finding a modest prom dress shouldn’t mean sacrificing style or feeling like you’re settling. The goal isn’t to make a teenager look older — it’s to help her feel confident, appropriate, and very much part of the night.
With the right criteria and a bit of patience, those dresses exist. I hope this list saves another family hours of searching.
by alichava | Feb 22, 2026 | Electronics, Parenting, Software & Apps
There isn’t one right way to parent around technology.
Every family brings a different background, comfort level, and set of assumptions. Some parents grew up largely offline. Others — like me — have been online since childhood.
I was programming in BASIC by kindergarten. I spent time on bulletin boards and AOL chat rooms before most adults understood what those spaces were. We were curious, unsupervised in many ways, and unaware of risks that feel obvious now.
And yet, the internet also brought real good into our lives. Many of my friends met their spouses by talking to strangers online — on JDate, on “I Saw You at Sinai,” in spaces that once felt new and risky and are now entirely ordinary.
Technology is not inherently dangerous. It is powerful.
And power requires literacy.
We Don’t Take Away. We Teach.
My philosophy has never been to eliminate technology, but to use it as an opportunity to teach and model usage.
What we did with our oldest isn’t exactly what we are doing with our youngest. We have learned. We have adjusted. And I am not going to prescribe a “right age” for devices — because context matters: maturity, school environment, personality, peer culture, family structure.
What matters more than age is behavior.
And behavior is taught.
It is also modeled.
Phones are not the only issue. Tablets, gaming consoles, school-issued laptops, shared home devices — all of them shape habits. Digital citizenship is not a phone conversation. It’s a household culture.
The Structures We’ve Put in Place
None of these are perfect. All of them evolve. We adjust and re-evaluate constantly. What works for one kid, isn’t going to work for the other. We parent our kids differently on purpose because they all have different needs.
1. Shabbat as a Weekly Digital Detox
For 25 hours, there are no phones, tablets, TVs, or devices.
It’s not framed as deprivation. It’s a rhythm. A reminder that we are capable of being fully present without constant connection.
2. Dinner Is (Mostly) Phone-Free
For the most part, dinner is protected time.
Occasionally my job requires me to step away — when something is happening in the world that cannot wait. But when that happens, I verbalize what I am doing. Transparency matters. Modeling matters.
The goal is focus on one another.
One small practice we’ve adopted is vocalizing intention. If I need to reach for my phone at dinner because something work-related truly cannot wait, I say so. “I’m responding to X. I’ll be right back.” Naming the purpose changes the posture. It turns a reflex into a decision. It also teaches our children that device use should be intentional, not ambient.
3. Screen Time Has Limits — and Context
We limit TV time. We use screen limits. We review them regularly and adjust as needed.
We are more disciplined with our younger children than we were with our older ones. Snow days look different than school days. Family movie night is intentional — right now we’re somewhere between Doctor Who and The Librarians.
Technology isn’t the enemy. Unbounded consumption is.
We’ve learned that not all screen time functions the same way. Some digital activities are inherently open-ended and stimulating, while others are more bounded and task-oriented. Ari’s piece on “Choice and No-Choice Activities” articulates this distinction well — the idea that certain activities require stronger scaffolding because they rely heavily on internal regulation.
4. Before You Press Send
Before sending a message, posting something, or sharing an image, our children are asked one question:
Would you be comfortable showing this to someone you deeply respect?
That framing shifts behavior more effectively than rules.
5. Password Transparency
We keep copies of our children’s passwords.
Not to hover. Not to spy. But to reinforce that digital accounts are not fully private spaces at young ages. There is an understanding that we can check in if needed.
Trust and accountability coexist.
6. Devices and Bedrooms
No devices when changing. We try to limit devices in bedrooms generally, though reading Kindles are allowed.
Phones are docked during homework when possible. And about 30 minutes before bedtime, reminders (thank you, Alexa) prompt phones to be docked for the night.
We’ve also learned that technology can support executive functioning when used intentionally. Tools like voice reminders, shared calendars, and structured prompts can reduce friction and support follow-through. Ari writes “Alexa, Help Me With My Executive Functioning.”
7. Active Oversight
Our kids check with us before installing new apps so we can review them. That doesn’t eliminate risk — they can still access sites independently, including on school devices — but it creates conversation.
Some families block websites at the router level. Some carriers, including Verizon, offer family management tools. iPhones have built-in family protections (though approving purchases from a dead iPad can be its own frustration).
Tools help. They don’t replace teaching.
The Incident That Reminded Us Why This Matters
Recently, one of my children came across a site called Human or Not — a game built around interacting with an AI system and guessing whether responses are human.
On its surface, it feels harmless. It’s framed as a puzzle. A curiosity. A way to test perception.
But experiences like this are a useful reminder that many digital spaces — especially those involving AI or anonymous interaction — operate on layers that aren’t visible to the user.
Even when something feels like a game, it may still involve:
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Data collection
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Stored conversations
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Behavioral tracking
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Unknown audiences
And often, those mechanics are invisible to children.
When a site is accessible — particularly on school-issued devices — it’s easy for young users to assume that access implies safety or endorsement. But accessibility and safety are not the same thing.
Digital literacy has to include understanding the invisible architecture behind the screen. Part of the challenge is that digital access now often outpaces developmental readiness. Ari writes thoughtfully about this tension in “Digital Access Outpaces Childhood Development,” noting that children are navigating environments designed for engagement long before they have the cognitive scaffolding to evaluate risk, permanence, or manipulation.
It must include:
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Understanding anonymity
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Recognizing data permanence
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Questioning who is collecting information
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Knowing when not to share
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And perhaps most importantly — knowing how to pause before engaging
The goal isn’t suspicion. It’s awareness.
Because today’s digital environments are layered, dynamic, and often monetized in ways that are not obvious at first glance. Teaching children to navigate them responsibly requires more than installing filters. It requires helping them understand how these systems actually work.
Addictive Patterns Are Not Just a Teen Problem
We cannot talk about digital citizenship without acknowledging that adults struggle too.
Research increasingly links excessive smartphone use to decreased focus and cognitive strain. Many adults express a desire to reduce screen time, yet systems and habits keep pulling us back in.
If we are constantly reaching for our devices, multitasking conversations, or scrolling during downtime, our children notice.
Modeling matters more than enforcement.
What We’re Still Working On
We are working on:
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Docking phones consistently during homework
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Strengthening conversations about time spent, not just limits set
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Revisiting rules as children mature
What worked at 13 does not work at 17. What worked for one child may not work for another.
Parenting in the digital age is iterative.
The Goal
The goal is not to create children who fear technology.
It is to raise young adults who understand:
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That technology is powerful
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That attention is limited
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That privacy is not intuitive
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That boundaries are learned
Digital citizenship is not about banning devices. It is about forming habits strong enough to carry into independence.
We cannot remove risk entirely.
But we can teach discernment.
And that may be the most durable protection of all.
by alichava | Jan 20, 2026 | Organizing & Cleaning, Parenting
The start of a new year often brings an urge to reset. New plans, new structures, new intentions meant to carry us forward.
But meaningful resets rarely happen because the calendar changes. They happen when a chapter closes.
Our household reached one of those moments last week when our senior finished school. Over the past year, our daily systems quietly adjusted around that reality. Morning routines shifted. Carpools reconfigured themselves. Extra time appeared where it was most needed.
Those adjustments weren’t written down. They worked because everyone involved understood their role.
Now that the household has changed again, those systems no longer fit. What once created ease now needs to be rethought. The work ahead isn’t dramatic. It’s practical: noticing what has changed, naming what no longer applies, and redesigning routines so the household can function smoothly again.
This kind of reset is familiar in organizations as well. Teams adapt around people, roles, and constraints. Temporary workarounds become permanent. Informal systems carry real weight. When the context shifts, those systems either evolve — or begin to create friction.
January is a natural time to do this work, not because it demands reinvention, but because it offers a pause. A chance to ask:
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What systems were built for a situation that no longer exists?
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Where are we relying on arrangements that assumed a different set of people or capacities?
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What needs to be clarified now that circumstances have changed?
In households, this may mean redistributing responsibilities that were once absorbed quietly. In organizations, it often means revisiting processes that only worked because someone was compensating for them.
The goal of a reset isn’t efficiency for its own sake. It’s alignment. Systems should reflect current reality, not past convenience.
When routines are redesigned with intention, they stop requiring constant adjustment. They allow people — whether family members or colleagues — to step into their roles with clarity.
The best resets don’t announce themselves. They show up in smoother mornings, fewer reminders, and a renewed sense that the structure matches the life it’s meant to support.
That’s the work worth doing when a chapter ends — and another begins.
