Raising Responsible Digital Citizens (Without Pretending We Can Eliminate Technology)
There isn’t one right way to parent around technology.
Every family brings a different background, comfort level, and set of assumptions. Some parents grew up largely offline. Others — like me — have been online since childhood.
I was programming in BASIC by kindergarten. I spent time on bulletin boards and AOL chat rooms before most adults understood what those spaces were. We were curious, unsupervised in many ways, and unaware of risks that feel obvious now.
And yet, the internet also brought real good into our lives. Many of my friends met their spouses by talking to strangers online — on JDate, on “I Saw You at Sinai,” in spaces that once felt new and risky and are now entirely ordinary.
Technology is not inherently dangerous. It is powerful.
And power requires literacy.
We Don’t Take Away. We Teach.
My philosophy has never been to eliminate technology, but to use it as an opportunity to teach and model usage.
What we did with our oldest isn’t exactly what we are doing with our youngest. We have learned. We have adjusted. And I am not going to prescribe a “right age” for devices — because context matters: maturity, school environment, personality, peer culture, family structure.
What matters more than age is behavior.
And behavior is taught.
It is also modeled.
Phones are not the only issue. Tablets, gaming consoles, school-issued laptops, shared home devices — all of them shape habits. Digital citizenship is not a phone conversation. It’s a household culture.
The Structures We’ve Put in Place
None of these are perfect. All of them evolve. We adjust and re-evaluate constantly. What works for one kid, isn’t going to work for the other. We parent our kids differently on purpose because they all have different needs.
1. Shabbat as a Weekly Digital Detox
For 25 hours, there are no phones, tablets, TVs, or devices.
It’s not framed as deprivation. It’s a rhythm. A reminder that we are capable of being fully present without constant connection.
2. Dinner Is (Mostly) Phone-Free
For the most part, dinner is protected time.
Occasionally my job requires me to step away — when something is happening in the world that cannot wait. But when that happens, I verbalize what I am doing. Transparency matters. Modeling matters.
The goal is focus on one another.
One small practice we’ve adopted is vocalizing intention. If I need to reach for my phone at dinner because something work-related truly cannot wait, I say so. “I’m responding to X. I’ll be right back.” Naming the purpose changes the posture. It turns a reflex into a decision. It also teaches our children that device use should be intentional, not ambient.
3. Screen Time Has Limits — and Context
We limit TV time. We use screen limits. We review them regularly and adjust as needed.
We are more disciplined with our younger children than we were with our older ones. Snow days look different than school days. Family movie night is intentional — right now we’re somewhere between Doctor Who and The Librarians.
Technology isn’t the enemy. Unbounded consumption is.
We’ve learned that not all screen time functions the same way. Some digital activities are inherently open-ended and stimulating, while others are more bounded and task-oriented. Ari’s piece on “Choice and No-Choice Activities” articulates this distinction well — the idea that certain activities require stronger scaffolding because they rely heavily on internal regulation.
4. Before You Press Send
Before sending a message, posting something, or sharing an image, our children are asked one question:
Would you be comfortable showing this to someone you deeply respect?
That framing shifts behavior more effectively than rules.
5. Password Transparency
We keep copies of our children’s passwords.
Not to hover. Not to spy. But to reinforce that digital accounts are not fully private spaces at young ages. There is an understanding that we can check in if needed.
Trust and accountability coexist.
6. Devices and Bedrooms
No devices when changing. We try to limit devices in bedrooms generally, though reading Kindles are allowed.
Phones are docked during homework when possible. And about 30 minutes before bedtime, reminders (thank you, Alexa) prompt phones to be docked for the night.
We’ve also learned that technology can support executive functioning when used intentionally. Tools like voice reminders, shared calendars, and structured prompts can reduce friction and support follow-through. Ari writes “Alexa, Help Me With My Executive Functioning.”
7. Active Oversight
Our kids check with us before installing new apps so we can review them. That doesn’t eliminate risk — they can still access sites independently, including on school devices — but it creates conversation.
Some families block websites at the router level. Some carriers, including Verizon, offer family management tools. iPhones have built-in family protections (though approving purchases from a dead iPad can be its own frustration).
Tools help. They don’t replace teaching.
The Incident That Reminded Us Why This Matters
Recently, one of my children came across a site called Human or Not — a game built around interacting with an AI system and guessing whether responses are human.
On its surface, it feels harmless. It’s framed as a puzzle. A curiosity. A way to test perception.
But experiences like this are a useful reminder that many digital spaces — especially those involving AI or anonymous interaction — operate on layers that aren’t visible to the user.
Even when something feels like a game, it may still involve:
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Data collection
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Stored conversations
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Behavioral tracking
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Unknown audiences
And often, those mechanics are invisible to children.
When a site is accessible — particularly on school-issued devices — it’s easy for young users to assume that access implies safety or endorsement. But accessibility and safety are not the same thing.
Digital literacy has to include understanding the invisible architecture behind the screen. Part of the challenge is that digital access now often outpaces developmental readiness. Ari writes thoughtfully about this tension in “Digital Access Outpaces Childhood Development,” noting that children are navigating environments designed for engagement long before they have the cognitive scaffolding to evaluate risk, permanence, or manipulation.
It must include:
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Understanding anonymity
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Recognizing data permanence
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Questioning who is collecting information
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Knowing when not to share
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And perhaps most importantly — knowing how to pause before engaging
The goal isn’t suspicion. It’s awareness.
Because today’s digital environments are layered, dynamic, and often monetized in ways that are not obvious at first glance. Teaching children to navigate them responsibly requires more than installing filters. It requires helping them understand how these systems actually work.
Addictive Patterns Are Not Just a Teen Problem
We cannot talk about digital citizenship without acknowledging that adults struggle too.
Research increasingly links excessive smartphone use to decreased focus and cognitive strain. Many adults express a desire to reduce screen time, yet systems and habits keep pulling us back in.
If we are constantly reaching for our devices, multitasking conversations, or scrolling during downtime, our children notice.
Modeling matters more than enforcement.
What We’re Still Working On
We are working on:
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Docking phones consistently during homework
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Strengthening conversations about time spent, not just limits set
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Revisiting rules as children mature
What worked at 13 does not work at 17. What worked for one child may not work for another.
Parenting in the digital age is iterative.
The Goal
The goal is not to create children who fear technology.
It is to raise young adults who understand:
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That technology is powerful
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That attention is limited
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That privacy is not intuitive
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That boundaries are learned
Digital citizenship is not about banning devices. It is about forming habits strong enough to carry into independence.
We cannot remove risk entirely.
But we can teach discernment.
And that may be the most durable protection of all.
